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I know Maggie already apologised for our recent disappearance from this, but I felt like ihad to say it too!! So sorry for that! Maggie has gotten through all the questions you guys left us, but I’m back now too so if there is anything at all, you can talk to us!!
Keep those questions coming in!!
This is what I came up with in the last ten minutes or so, so forgive me if there are typo’s etc. I have an excuse, its almost 3am…
But seriously, I think this might help, if not, you guys know by now, our inbox is ALWAYS open and we are here to listen/help in any way we can!
Check out this page, I really think it can help, judging by the kind of questions I’ve been getting over the past few weeks, I think it might just be what you guys need to read! If theres anything I missed or you dont understand, I will be awake for a while longer, so please dont hesitate to ask me!!
Here it is : http://bestrongforyou.tumblr.com/faq
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Anxiety is something I have struggled with for years. Thinking back now, It has been going on a lot longer then I thought it was. Even as a child, I can remember that sinking feeling in my stomach as my dad would pull up outside my moms house. Not that my mom is a horrible person or anything, its just that deep down, I have always been terrified of her (as well as adoring her and admiring her completley) Of course, at the time I never knew that she too was suffering with depression, as a child I was just always afraid, would I get in trouble for something this time? What kind of mood would she be in? Would she pick me up and give me a hug or would she nod at me, and go back to bed? I didnt understand then, and It used terrify me!
For some reason, I dont remember much of like my late childhood/early teens…anxiety wise. So maybe, I had a good few years. But I know that it started up again when I was around 15. I didnt know then what it was….and intsead of talking to someone, and getting a diagnosis, I used lock myself in my room, turn on some My Chemical Romance, and cut, and cut and cry and cry. At the time, I put it down to the fact that I was a teenager, and i was just full of teen angst, hating my life, hating myself, my family, my friends. Now I know, that it wasnt like that at all, I needed help then, but I was too young, too stupid and too stubborn to realise it. I remember one day, I was hoovering, and my mom saw the marks on my arm. She asked me what happened, and I told her my cat scratched me….she believed me….I didnt even have a cat.
When we got a bit older in school, around 17 or that, people grew up, my class mates stopped teasing me about being “different” and actually started respecting the fact that I wasnt afraid to do my own thing…I even introduced a few of them to the music I liked. And that’s when I started going out with #. It was great, and I’m almost positive in the 2 years that we were together, I didnt have one panic attack, or one week where I didnt wanna get out of bed. Of course, this could all be a little idealistic, there surely was some, but nothing signifigant enough to stand out in my memory. When I started university, I broke up with him…we were just going in different directions, and it wasnt going to work. This suprisingly enough, didnt break me. I was a first year, living away from home, with lots of new friends, parties every night etc. I didnt have time to think, to get upset. At the weekends when I went home, I was working in a bar, so I would be there till 4/5 am and then asleep all day. Life was good, because I was totally distracted all the time.
Last sept, I started my second year in uni, and also started going out with a guy called *. Again, everything was going great. And then my parents (well my mom and my step dad) decided, right We’re moving to austrailia, see ya later. They up and left, taking my 11 year old sister and 9 year old brother with them. For a while, I was happy for them, I knew this was what they needed, and that they would be better off. About 3 weeks later, I lost my job. Then everything came crashing down around me. Once I was out of work, I realised that my parents werent there any more, I started getting down in myself again, getting irratable with everyone. I stopped going out, partially because I could no longer afford it, moreso because every time I drank, I broke down in tears, ruining my night and everyone elses. Panic attacks started up agian, but this time, I realised that this wasnt me being stupid.
To be fair, * had a lot to do with helping me realise this. We were living together, so he knew that if I had dissapeared up to our room, that I was more than likely thrown on my bed, gasping for air and crying my heart out. And he was great, he could always talk me out of it, and he would stay in and watch movies with me while all out friends went out and got drunk and had fun. I became completley dependant on him. But I was missing alot of college, because I had developed a fear of leaving my house. * eventually convinced me to go to a doctor and he rang my dad and told him what was going on. After years of hiding behind all of this, I was suddenly put into counselling and being forced to talk about everything. I didnt like it at the start, but even after the first few sessions, I started feeling better. I learned how to control my anxiety, without medication and it was great. Then I found out that * had cheated on me. Slept with his “Best Friend” from home. So I kicked him out, and confided in my other friends about what I was going through. They werent as understanding as him about the whole thing, they thought that the only reason I had stopped going out with them was because I had a boyfriend and I was becoming “dry”….I had become completley dependant on him, and then when he was gone, my panic attacks got worse, I undid all the good work I had been doing with my counsellor, and stopped going to college again.
Anxiety is not something to be taken lightly, but at the same time, it can be controlled. I wish now that I had spoken about this when I was 15…not 7 years later. It is so important not to hide yourself away. It does not make you weak, it makes you human. Everyone has fears, everyone feels anxious, its just that it can spiral and then you can let it take over. Talking is key. Its been a month since I’ve had a panic attack…and I know I’ve had longer periods before where I have been panic attack free…but this time is different, I know what it is. I know it cannot hurt me. I know how to control it. And i know, that if it does come back again, that I can survive.
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We were in transition year in school and it was around Christmas because we were going ice skating. I remember, being in a total panic. Whenever we went anywhere we were allowed wear our own clothes, but because of the way I dressed I constantly got called “Goth” “Emo” “Queen of Darkness” etc… Plus, it was alot easier to hide the scars on my arm in my uniform then it was in my own clothes, especially if I wanted to try and “fit in”.
So I eventually decided on my favourite grey skinny jeans, normal black cons, a long sleeved top and one of my NBC hoodies. It was cold, so I had stripey gloves and a hat on too….I really dont know why that outfit sticks out in my head so much.
We were sitting on the bus on the way to the ice skating place, and I was sitting with my best friend at the time, Amber. But then she got up and moved because she was down flirting with one of the boys at the back of the bus, so I was left on my own.
I started playing a agame on my phone, to distract myself from thinking about the fact that I was on my own, and that I stood out like a sore thumb from every other single person on the bus when I heard someone call my name.
I turned around and it was one of the guys that I would have considered a friend in school.
He shouted at me and said “Here are you gunna go and kill yourself or what?”
I didnt know what to say so I just turned back around and stared straight ahead, trying not to cry.
Then I heard him again “Can you do me a favour though?”
I turned and said “What?”
"Can you film it, so that we can put it on youtube after…cheers."
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