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Anxiety is something I have struggled with for years. Thinking back now, It has been going on a lot longer then I thought it was. Even as a child, I can remember that sinking feeling in my stomach as my dad would pull up outside my moms house. Not that my mom is a horrible person or anything, its just that deep down, I have always been terrified of her (as well as adoring her and admiring her completley) Of course, at the time I never knew that she too was suffering with depression, as a child I was just always afraid, would I get in trouble for something this time? What kind of mood would she be in? Would she pick me up and give me a hug or would she nod at me, and go back to bed? I didnt understand then, and It used terrify me!
For some reason, I dont remember much of like my late childhood/early teens…anxiety wise. So maybe, I had a good few years. But I know that it started up again when I was around 15. I didnt know then what it was….and intsead of talking to someone, and getting a diagnosis, I used lock myself in my room, turn on some My Chemical Romance, and cut, and cut and cry and cry. At the time, I put it down to the fact that I was a teenager, and i was just full of teen angst, hating my life, hating myself, my family, my friends. Now I know, that it wasnt like that at all, I needed help then, but I was too young, too stupid and too stubborn to realise it. I remember one day, I was hoovering, and my mom saw the marks on my arm. She asked me what happened, and I told her my cat scratched me….she believed me….I didnt even have a cat.
When we got a bit older in school, around 17 or that, people grew up, my class mates stopped teasing me about being “different” and actually started respecting the fact that I wasnt afraid to do my own thing…I even introduced a few of them to the music I liked. And that’s when I started going out with #. It was great, and I’m almost positive in the 2 years that we were together, I didnt have one panic attack, or one week where I didnt wanna get out of bed. Of course, this could all be a little idealistic, there surely was some, but nothing signifigant enough to stand out in my memory. When I started university, I broke up with him…we were just going in different directions, and it wasnt going to work. This suprisingly enough, didnt break me. I was a first year, living away from home, with lots of new friends, parties every night etc. I didnt have time to think, to get upset. At the weekends when I went home, I was working in a bar, so I would be there till 4/5 am and then asleep all day. Life was good, because I was totally distracted all the time.
Last sept, I started my second year in uni, and also started going out with a guy called *. Again, everything was going great. And then my parents (well my mom and my step dad) decided, right We’re moving to austrailia, see ya later. They up and left, taking my 11 year old sister and 9 year old brother with them. For a while, I was happy for them, I knew this was what they needed, and that they would be better off. About 3 weeks later, I lost my job. Then everything came crashing down around me. Once I was out of work, I realised that my parents werent there any more, I started getting down in myself again, getting irratable with everyone. I stopped going out, partially because I could no longer afford it, moreso because every time I drank, I broke down in tears, ruining my night and everyone elses. Panic attacks started up agian, but this time, I realised that this wasnt me being stupid.
To be fair, * had a lot to do with helping me realise this. We were living together, so he knew that if I had dissapeared up to our room, that I was more than likely thrown on my bed, gasping for air and crying my heart out. And he was great, he could always talk me out of it, and he would stay in and watch movies with me while all out friends went out and got drunk and had fun. I became completley dependant on him. But I was missing alot of college, because I had developed a fear of leaving my house. * eventually convinced me to go to a doctor and he rang my dad and told him what was going on. After years of hiding behind all of this, I was suddenly put into counselling and being forced to talk about everything. I didnt like it at the start, but even after the first few sessions, I started feeling better. I learned how to control my anxiety, without medication and it was great. Then I found out that * had cheated on me. Slept with his “Best Friend” from home. So I kicked him out, and confided in my other friends about what I was going through. They werent as understanding as him about the whole thing, they thought that the only reason I had stopped going out with them was because I had a boyfriend and I was becoming “dry”….I had become completley dependant on him, and then when he was gone, my panic attacks got worse, I undid all the good work I had been doing with my counsellor, and stopped going to college again.
Anxiety is not something to be taken lightly, but at the same time, it can be controlled. I wish now that I had spoken about this when I was 15…not 7 years later. It is so important not to hide yourself away. It does not make you weak, it makes you human. Everyone has fears, everyone feels anxious, its just that it can spiral and then you can let it take over. Talking is key. Its been a month since I’ve had a panic attack…and I know I’ve had longer periods before where I have been panic attack free…but this time is different, I know what it is. I know it cannot hurt me. I know how to control it. And i know, that if it does come back again, that I can survive.
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Just a little reminder that I am still here!! In the last few weeks, So many people have contacted me, and I would like to think that I have helped them in the best way I can. But I know theres more out there who need to talk, who need someone to listen as they get stuff off their chests. I will answer every question…if you ask me anon, I will publish it…if not, I will always answer privatley! Do not be afraid to talk to me!! In some ways, you guys are helping me by letting me help you! So Don’t give up!! I’m here for every single one of you!
Remember, my inbox is ALWAYS open!
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I am not ignoring you guys!! I dont know what happened! If anyone has messaged me in the last few days, maybe try again!
Be Strong xoxo
Well physically anyway…
I still smoke, and drink, but it’s been five years since I have intentionally caused any harm to my own body.
I went through a time where I thought it would never stop.
I thought the pain was endless and there was nothing I could do.
But I did stop
And the pain, well, it didnt go away, but it got easier, more manageable.
And it can for you too!
Please Dont Harm Yourselves.
Talking about your problems is a far better solution, and I only wish I had had someone to tell me that when I was 15.
If you cant talk to anyone around you, then talk to me.
I am willing to share my experience with anyone if it will make them feel better and less isolated.
Talk to me.
Tell me your problems.
I will always listen and I will ALWAYS reply. (anon or not)
I may not be much help, but I will try.
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